Category: Its gonna get worse before it gets better

..And it is very funny (or sad, depending on how you like to put it), in how unexpectedly creative ways life sometimes foils one’s plans and intentions, both vaingloriously small and sincerely grand. Like a grand-master chess move, if not crossing out irrevocably but then checking so many opportunities – all at once.

The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men
Gang aft a-gley
…

I remember having a conversation with one of my bright colleagues at work, who, at an age of thirty, was still working under this so dearly youthful notion that it will always continue going upwards, that the energy and time is abundant and that only good – and then better – things are just around the corner in this bright, exciting and undoubtedly benevolent future.

Well, I told him, whichever is the exact trajectory of a someones life, there is always a point where the aggregated growth grinds down to a halt, and then the derivative changes the sign.

A glass of red wine made me write this.

I had the symptoms, beyond all mistake, the chief among them being ‘General disinclination to do work of any kind’

I was playing around with this Jerome K. Jerome quote since forever.

This year, I think, I truly felt it.

‘Rest and a complete change,’ said George. ‘The overstrain upon our brains has produced a general depression throughout the system. Change of scene, and absence of the necessity for thought will restore the mental equilibrium.

I think I need to follow George’s advice.

A bit problematic changing the scenery though, with Corona restrictions still all over the place.

A friend of mine went to Tenerife, WFH. Not gonna meet a customer physically for foreseeable time anyways.

Where will this lead us all to? Caves of Steel?

Anyways, as I write these lines I already feel better.

True to this blog’s original purpose, putting one’s thoughts to paper actually does help.

I failed miserably.

I carried on more or less diligently until 8. January noon.

Then I fell sick with a bad flu.

Some part of me was glad: of course I gorged on stuff I’ve been prohibiting myself the last.. wait.. the last 19 days (WOW, I thought its been AT LEAST a month).

My family blamed my sudden demise to the diet. I couldn’t disagree.

So as of tomorrow I will do my best to start it again.

Day 8 was bad, at the end of it I was tired, and, being quite despondent, I ate two apples and one cookie, being prepared to be ashamed of this immediately afterwards.

The apples were so delicious!

It didn’t make me feel better though. Later I dragged myself to the gym, what takes me 40 minutes, took about 1.5 hours that day. Ever saw a three-clawed sloth bench press? That was me yesterday.

….

About two years ago I went to the doctor, and complained about feeling somewhat less energetic and in overall being somehow disinclined to do work of any kind. After doing a few tests he proclaimed that he doesn’t immediately see anything alarming, nor in any way unusual in my physiology and suggested some polite trivialities as a remedy.

His looks were however saying something along the lines of “Get the f*ck outta here”.

A week has passed since that memorable day.. which was.. about 7 days ago.. when I decided to start my life anew.. and.. and it hasn’t changed much; its just that my happiness and my joy are all gone. Gone are those days where I could binge on anything I liked, be it a fresh brioche, pack of caramel mousse or a toast with raspberry marmalade..all gone.

During this week I’ve eaten probably 1 metric ton less sugar than before.

Pros:

• Somehow higher energy levels (yay!), and definitely less of a roller-coaster ride during the day
• Somehow better sleep
• Significantly less plastic waste as I skip on all the tasty stuff in shiny packaging (/crying outloud/)
• I eat two times per day and not 5 because I just can’t handle eating fat more often. I’m not sure thats a Pro..
• If I’d have a dog, it’d think it were in heaven. I don’t like dogs and will never have one

Contras:

• I’m suffering each time I see other people eat candy
• I’m suffering each time I think about other people eating candy
• Caffeine apparently stopped working. Drank some thick espressos to no perceptible effect altogether. Earlier it was different: in rare cases it made me relaxed and clear-minded, but mostly it made me stupid, irritable and mildly diarrhoeic. Probably because my guts are now lined with all that fat shit healthy MCT oils and organic bio produce
• I’m pooping like a goat
• Eating out is painful, its like being a hipster but worse (“Oh how many carbs does this have, in grams per portion? Can I have this without sauce, please? Its just I am on the keto diet you see. Keto stands for ketogenic. Like all fat. All right I’ll take the burger, just replace fries with organic goat cheese and I’d have the crushed cumin with it. And don’t even talk to me about dessert!”)

Today wasn’t good.

My wife made this cake:

I think I never wanted it that much as today.

I did manage not to, but it came at a cost … :/

I actually didn’t hate life that much today, I even did some bicycling. How nice!

Right now at 5pm I am feeling a bit sore and my head aches, but that’s not unusual for me to have after biking for a few hours.

The urge to stuff my belly with cookies, jelly beans, chocolate bars,
sweet condensed milk, raw honey dough, eggs mixed with sugar (oh man I should stop writing this NOW) is manageable – when not provoked.

Luck having it, I may actually pull this off this time!!

Similar to yesterday, I am awfully tired, irritable and morose. Coffee doesnt help much.

But I didnt give up yet!

My feet felt too warm during the night, i didnt sleep well. I had this last time when I was a boy.

I was wondering if a too low glucose level in the brain can also erase long-term memory like learned skills, languages, or names.

Is it like computer RAM, that needs uninterrupted electricity supply or its content is lost?

I imagined a society where life would be like that. You forget to eat a banana before sleep – whoops and you dont remember where you work on waking up. Breakfast too late – your foreign language is gone! Didnt make it to grocery in time – good luck if you still remember how to walk.

Employers would have to test workers every morning and assign tasks to them as to their current ability. The best firms would structure the work packages to include required training beforehand so that anyone could do it.

I’m flat. Headache. Ill drink an espresso now.

24h without carbs today at 09:00 AM.

Life doesn’t suck that much yet.

In about 4h I will start looking for excuses why this all doesn’t mean anything anyways and binge on cake.

(according to prior experience)