I keep coming back to thinking about this.
Do people in general have internal, in-one’s-head monologues about that? Weighting pros and cons? Is it like, typical at all? For what part of population? Is it age-related? And what are the outcomes?
There must be a subset of population that never even gets to ask this, or that isn’t interested in exploring it in the first place.
I think some lucky people carry the implicit assurance of their own worthiness in themselves, never doubted, the brilliance of a purpose never fading, the hard question never asked.
I think I was like that too in my early twenties. This warm, optimistic and empowering feeling of something big, world-changing, pre-arranged for you, but forever unknown, ahead of you along the road of life, something to justify and fulfil. [What a dick isnt it] Even now, in my late 30s, this feeling comes back sometimes, but instead of basking in its generous light whenever I want, now I have to search for it with a flashlight. It must be buried at the end of this dark corridor, I tell myself, but sometimes there its just darkness.
The big thing never arrived. [Obligatory True Detective cue]
Or has it?
Actually, lately my experience have pointed to the fact that I am a rather average – or slightly above – person toward my talents, ways to think and also physical traits, and, putting it methaphorically, the veil of self-uniqueness has slowly fallen from my eyes, so I assume that this is a totally common problem for both men and women my age.
This realization makes it a bit easier already – but, as with any problem that is met by sufficiently large group of people, mustn’t there be best practices or patterns? Or should I outsource this internal debate to religion? Well, that would definitely look like a cheat to me.
— update next day
OMG that’s so profound. I must have overdone myself on that one. Put it all to wine .
I think I’m just bored.